Loading...
Where exactly am I headed? I don't know, but I'm trusting the journey, and you should too...
Note that this piece was originally written for Evie 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ ’s monthly newsletter, and published there! There is also a very British voiceover version at the end for my 💗paid subscribers💗! Fun, fun, fun! I do hope you enjoy this piece!
Loading…the prelude.
It is an honour to me that the amazing Evie 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ wanted to feature me in her monthly newsletter, first of all. I find her very intelligent and perceptive, two talents that continuously show up in her essays. So, I’m very flattered that she values my writing enough to want to include it in her own publication (thanks, Evie 😘✨)! When she told me about this month’s theme for her newsletter, I was unsure on how I’d go about forming a piece of writing out of that.
“Loading…” such an abstract idea. One that could mean just about anything.
Like a video game in the process of installation. Like a computer’s software churning whilst updates are being installed.
What could “loading” mean to me? My mind was blank. I had no idea.
All I knew was that I wanted to cook up something wonderful, especially to feature in Evie’s newsletter…
Backstory
My name is Zia Barti. I am a young writer who is passionate about many things: including justice, stories, creativity and philosophy. Throughout my short but tragically unsweetened life, I have struggled with many challenges — mental, social, emotional, you name it. Starting a Substack in May of last year was the first push I needed outside my comfort zone, into the unknown, to face a new reality. A crowd that would help me lay out the foundations of inspired action for achieving my aspirations. Assist the formation of the stepping stones that would guide me towards the path I wanted to venture down. The idea of success, of achievement, that I had in mind. That I still have in mind. There is no universal definition of progress, of winning. Success and sense of achievement looks different in everybody’s eyes.
Now, let’s talk about what it is to me, in mine…
Goals and Dreams
I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been dealt a lot of turbulence and misfortune.
And I’ve always wanted to turn things around in my adult life.
I’m not an adult (YET) but my eighteenth birthday is just around the corner. There are many things I want, including:
To become an author (preferably a bestseller too, at some point).
To make music.
To become a Substack bestseller (a newer goal).
To be a voice actor.
To have my own money.
To build confidence, stability and happiness.
And to make an impact in this world. To fight for the causes I believe in. If you know me, you know what those causes are.
But the goals always felt “unrealistic”, like a faraway fantasy that could never materialise in a tangible form.
The Epiphany that preceded Progress…
My goals always felt so out of reach — like a distant dream; a wild, devilish fantasy; and not a journey I could map out. I didn’t have the knowledge or the skills. I had passions. Topics I cared about. Ideas for creations; things I wanted to do. But I felt like I was constantly frozen. Too miserable to move. Too clueless to try. Trapped in a helpless state of vigilance, of survival mode. Clinging to my “dream life” — the vehement wish that all would someday be better.
In 2024, I made many mistakes in an attempt to reclaim some agency in my own life. It backfired — and I hit absolute rock bottom in all areas of life. Depressed, lonely, feeling so hopeless and close to abandoning faith in possibilities of life ever getting “better”.
But then, something incredible happened…
I had time to think bigger. Ponder. Marinate in all the pent-up rage that had built up inside me over YEARS of holding back.
I realised that I was done with restraining my own potential — bottling down that wild, whimsical child who was born to be tameless and free. To roam and dance and thrive with the imagination and power she was always meant to hold! That she would’ve held if trauma and the world hadn’t drilled her down, and almost crushed her. Luckily, she had always had her spark. It kept her going all that time.
And when she was ready, finally ready, to take the first step outside of her comfort zone…she took a deep breath—
Picked up the pen.
Picked up the pencils.
Picked up the paper.
Picked up the keyboard.
The microphone.
The will.
I started to outline my books — then write them. I started training. I picked up new lessons, new hobbies, new interests, lessons and perspectives on life. I read more books. I started posting writing and thoughts.
And from there on, the journey truly began…
I am still very tired. Very sad. Very traumatised, very depressed, very anxious and very insecure. I may always be this way.
But I am also very determined. Very brave. Very resilient, optimistic — and very, very persistent, indeed.
I’m learning to fight through the pain. Live with it; around it. To hold myself on the darker days. Be gentle on the exhausting ones. Have compassion for the terrified, meeker parts of me who shrank so they could survive. The volatile, vicious parts that took fury, fear and shame and weaponised them in a self-destructive manner. The list goes on.
And nothing is going to stop me now — not even my very own mind.
So, to conclude, what does “loading…” mean to me, personally?
I pondered that, long before I prepared to write this piece. Before I brainstormed it, structured it, plotted the layout for everything I’d cover here. I had not a clear idea — though I did have some inspiration.
When I asked Evie for help, this is how she defined it for me:
“Okay so basically, it’s about what’s behind something “loading”. Like a loading screen just says “loading”, but behind that, systems are running and actively working towards a result. That’s often like life as well, because maybe there are some small moments that dramatically impacted someone without anyone else knowing. Or like when we work towards a goal, maybe no one sees the work beside what’s ultimately achieved!”
At first, I was still unsure on exactly how to translate this definition into a writing piece, complete with my own personal flair.
Now, I’ve arrived at a personal conclusion.
It means progress. It means a gap, between one point and another. The first point is where you are, the second point is where you wish to be, and in the middle is a line — or ellipsis dots — connecting each point at either end. The middle represents the time it takes to get from the first point to the second; to me, that could mean time. Such a beautifully figurative metaphor. And what could we do with this time? Will we remain stagnant, or will we take the leap and push ourselves outside of our comfort zones?
Hence, the “loading…” whilst we work towards our goals. The unspoken grit, the unseen efforts, the trials and tribulations we face in pursuit of achieving what matters to us. Allowing our passionate sparks to be kept alive by our passion. So, I love Evie’s definition for this “loading…” and I love the theme itself. It’s beautiful, powerful, and deeply resonates with oh so many of us. The idea of a loading screen with systems working towards a result being a metaphor for the way we humans do the same is just ✨chef’s kiss✨.
Change, and looking forward.
For example, fifteen year-old Zia would be astonished at what seventeen-year-old Zia is doing today.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
So, friend, this is all I have learned so far, on the journey to self-discovery and growth. Keep going, even when the hurdles seem relentlessly challenging. Even when it is painful and dreary, so much so that you struggle to get out of bed each morning. Because it is always the darkest before the dawn. Keep going, keep moving forward. Towards your goals, your dreams, the deepest desires that cuddle your heart, the whispers of excitement brushing your ear, prompting you forward. Progress happens when you take the first step.
You’ll never be perfect. You don’t have to be. You are strong, resilient, brave and bold. Keep being you, authentic and shining. I really am so proud of you, darling. 🥹🥹🥹
The sun will always rise again, tomorrow. After all, a passing dawn brings a new day, and with it, new possibilities. And as long as you are alive — living, breathing, healthy, active — the possibilities in store for you are endless.
And as always, thank you so much for all the love and support, I truly could not do this without all of you!
I’d like to remind you once again that I am a young girl who has grown up in a harsh life situation, and is trying to work on her dreams whilst rebuilding her life as she transitions into adulthood.
Here’s some additional ways you can support me on this journey, if you value my work as much as I do and want to help this page:
Support my growing TikTok account! Here, I share details about the lore, characters, plots and themes of the fantasy series I am currently working on! The book series is called The Power Game, and most of the posts on that page are about it. And some posts also feature my poems or other thoughts.
Upgrade your subscription to paid, if you can. This in particular will massively help me. Financial support not only motivates me to keep this beautifully growing Substack page alive, and reminds me that people care and value me, it also helps me keep my life stable. Income is necessary for me to continue on this path, especially as I also have to juggle other responsibilities in my real life. And for those of you who’ve already upgraded your subscription, just know how endlessly grateful I am for this. If you are unable to upgrade or would rather not spend money on that, I understand and respect that. But if you would like to upgrade, you will receive the following: chapters from two of my work in progress series, additional pieces of poetry, additional political and feminist essays — many more personal — and additional essays of my thoughts on the world; religion, culture, A.I. and more.
Again, thank you for everything, gorgeous, and thank you for reading!
Kisses! I’ll see you in the next one!
😍😍😍😘😘😘
© Zia Barti, 2026. All rights reserved.
